stuck between a rock and a hard place….
I’m actually very proud of myself for one, everyone should encourage themselves at one point in life. For me, i’ve never had a true love for myself ever in my life… the people i surrounded myself with never helped me either. It was my own fault for the hurt i caused myself. Everyone is in charge of their own life …. its a choice to be happy or miserable. I am just now understanding that more and more. Finally being at peace with myself can bring many wonderful joys. Getting to this point has taken alot but i am completely overjoyed at the fact i can say i am truley happy…. (with myself, doesnt mean others.)
But there is only one person that has brought me down for years … that person leaving my life will be the best thing to ever happen to me. I’d love to hate him for many many things…. but i cant. Whether i like him or not, i stilll have to be thankful for all hes taught me. Taught me how to be stronger, taught me to be a little more wise, taught me how to love, and eventually how to hate. If i’ve never felt the pain caused by him I would never know how it feels to be truley happy with anyone else. Its fairly easy to give in and just hate his existance…. but overlooking that feeling, and being at peace with the situation not only benefits me as a person, but it shows how strong i can actually be. I am truley amazed with myself… it feels great! Probably one of the best feelings in the world honestly. Everyone deserves to experiance it. Being sad, lonely and depressed not only is a dark scary place, its so unhealthy! I will not give in to those emotions, because i am promising myself some things. I WILL be strong for myself and my loved ones. I WILL do this on my own. I WILL never ever in my life get treated like garbage by ANYONE, i will not allow it because I’ve done it for too long. Having someone constantly treat you like dirt for years is just the absolute worst…. when it goes on for so long you become at war with your own mind. I started to believe I was worthless. I felt my mind was constantly playing tricks on me… I knew I deserved better, but settled for it because well…. thats just how it was for too long.
Sometimes i sit here thinking about how someone could be so cold and heartless… but then i remind myself of how much i shouldnt/dont care! Can’t waste any moment of this precious life I’ve been blessed with on the “what ifs” … what if it had gone differently? what if that had happened? What if he was right all along? These questions can’t be asked by any means. Waste of time… life goes by way tooo quickly to think about the past. Some people live in it, and then there are those who are successful and move on with life, take it as it comes. When I hear of this evil person bad mouthing me, telling everyone possible about how i am what he thinks i am (which is not at all true) I need to brush it off. I know him inside and out… unfortunetely. When you’re depressed you are unstable… evryone is against you, everyday is a miserable struggle, and talking to others about someone else who is “beneath” you, it does make you feel better when you’re in that state of mind. It eases the pain for only a short while. The others who believe the lies …. well actually i dont care. Those are the ones that do not know me, or the situation. Ignorance. He is no longer my problem, and for that I am so greatful. He can say whatever he’d like, it WILL NOT affect me or my life anymore, i’ve done it for too long. He sucked the life out of me completely …. but like i said, you can’t live in the past.
From this day forward I will focus on myself, my responsibilities, my health, my career, my loved ones, and my own life. Independance is something i value … and I am quite enjoying this new found freedom. I’ve noticed i can’t just turn into a workaholic to avoid my issues with life …. yeah having money is never a bad thing, but that also takes a toll on your mental health. I was told for so long I couldnt do this, couldnt do that, and now im finally freee… there are no boundaries, no limits. I can’t work 7 days a week to run away from it all, I can’t sit at home pushing all my friends away just for one person. I need a life, I know i have my career, but i shouldn’t be afraid to go out with other people and actually have fun for once.. once i do i feel guilty, but then remind myself i cannot.
I’m sort of afraid of doing this all alone, but it’s something I have to do, there are no other choices. I’m also afraid of being with anyone else… it is definitely NOT time to go down that road, but when it comes i wont know what to do. All i know is that I can’t live how i was before, i need to be respected, loved, and cherished just as everyone deserves. I will not settle for anything less. Honestly I dont think theres anyone out there who actually has enough respect to do all of those things… but if there is… i just need to be treated the correct way. I owe that to myself.
I cannot be afraid of what i can’t change. Life is beautiful, and should get better as you grow and learn.